how to tell if your lover is lying- the cyclops

cyclops

Ever so often, I catch myself wondering if the Husband’s lying. Don’t get me wrong- he’s not a habitual liar, and I’m not a Suspicious Sita. It’s just that he white-lies a LOT to keep my feelings from getting hurt, even in situations they can’t possibly get hurt. An example:

*7 PM on a weekday*

The Husband- Are you hungry? I’m hungry.

Me- I’m hungry too! What do you want to eat? 

The Husband *deadpan*- Rice, daal and the green subzi left over from lunch. 

Me- …OR NOT, YOU LIAR! YOU TOTALLY WANT TO EAT OUT!

The Husband- No, I want to stay in. I promise. 

Me- THERE ARE TINY FLAMES COMING OUT YOUR PANTS! 

The Husband- I’m not lying! I really do want to stay in! I swear! 

This is the point where I do The Cyclops, an intervention I invented and am proud of. It’s got none of the brute invasiveness of an FBI interrogation, and still gets results 100% of the time. If you have a poker-faced partner you suspect of not quite telling it like it is, I highly recommend it.

This is how you do it:

1. If your partner wears glasses (like mine does), ask him to take them off

2. Hold their head in your hands like you’re about to kiss them, except you’re not. You’re going to turn them into a whimpering truth-teller in about 10 seconds

3. Now with your hold on their head intact (Your grip must be gentle, not vice-like. It has a bearing on the results), squish your nose against theirs, so that their eyes merge into one big eye (hence The Cyclops) that is a mirror into their lying little souls. Your partner will be squirming at this point and trying to set themselves free, so tell them to cool it and cooperate

4. Look at that single eyeball- really look at it with all the intuitive insight you’ve got. It sounds very woolly, but when you’re doing it, you’ll know it- trust me. Look at it as you would at your worst enemy if they were suddenly being nice to you. Judge it

5. You have your answer

6. Release your partner and confront them with their true feelings, till they break down and sob defensively go, “Okay! Okay! I was lying!”

7. Gloat for a bit

8. Kiss them for being such a beast and for clamping their poor ears between your palms, but tell them you had to do it. Also tell them not to lie anymore

…and you’re done!

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